I thought about taking a picture in that swimsuit to compare us (isn't it funny that we have the same suit?), but decided my body now is best left to the imagination as it will be far more forgiving that reality. Anyway, in two weeks you will find out that you are pregnant. Congratulations! It worked! I heard that your husband will be gone when you find out and that is unfortunate. However, you will be spared the onslaught of morning sickness that usually afflicts women in you situation, so bully for you! At first you will find it hard to believe anything is happening at all inside you. You will feel and look normal for the next three to four months, with a slight affinity for french fries and an aversion to eggs.
Although you are going through this dramatic process alone, it won't seem that dramatic, as it happens so slowly at first. You will notice your belly begin to expand when you can't fit into your nice size eights anymore. Your C cups will gradually inflate to Ds and then DDs. And your rear, well let's face it, you've never had much hope there anyway. All of this over the next eight months like blade of grass growing so silently and disrupting so little around it, your body will "blossom". People will begin to pay more attention to the parasite inside you that you don't even know than they do to you. You will become a vessel. A means to an end.
But don't worry; all the good stuff happens in the last couple of months. Your soft ivory belly skin will sprout nasty red marks seemingly overnight. No amount of creams will help. They will stretch bigger and reproduce around your hips, on your lower back as your pelvis widens, and encircle your belly button like zebra stripes. The breasts you once prided yourself upon will sag with weight and eventually the stretch marks will overtake them as well. Your crotch will disappear from your downward gaze as your swollen belly groans with the sudden weight increase of the baby inside it. The uninterrupted slumber you used to enjoy will be broken up by trips to the bathroom at crazy hours. Pressure from your son resting his weighty head on your pelvis will give you an uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, waddle. Strange substances will seep from your body. Your usual level-headed disposition will dissipate into unruly emotional breakdowns, freaking out your husband (and yourself). Advice from seemingly kind women will piss you off. With longing you will look back at this picture of yourself, marveling at how you ever though that body was less than perfect compared to the national geographic nipples that have taken over your chest.
And it is at your darkest hour of hating every piece of maternity clothing you own, not even wanting to get ready in the morning because, really, what's the use?, and facing the hours of excruciating labor you will pass through at the "end" which will render your womanhood temporarily useless, that you must read this. She is wise. Read it and remember that you are not alone. Read it and remind yourself that your body will not forever be an unknown, unmentionable, ghastly thing. And remember that just when you reach that point months after your precious baby is born, or perhaps years later, you will do it to yourself all over again.